I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
An don't say it's "personal preference" cause I don't buy it. I just want to have normal cool guy balls. I don't want to be the dude that's still rocking the equivalent of the "mid 90's bowl cut" of scrotum haircuts.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
