We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize