I think scott just propositioned me for sex
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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