So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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