Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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