god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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