so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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