i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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