I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Randomize
