I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize