dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
