Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
