You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
