It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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