Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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