We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
