M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
Randomize
