ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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