Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Randomize
