Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
