I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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