Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
one might say we're banned from that church
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
