Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize