I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The dick lei will go down in squad history
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
