My room smells like vodka and shame
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
