I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
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