Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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