if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
