so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
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