i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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