i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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