That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
