That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
