I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
