SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
