Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
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