It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
