im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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