I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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