you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
