when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
Randomize
