What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
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