Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
