he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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