I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
i have to get rid of the hedgehog.
Does it come with a cage?
yes. and food and toys.
i'll trade you an 8th for it
deal.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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