At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
So. Much. Porn.
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