I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
