What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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