1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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