I am midnight drunk by noon
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
We played a 4 hour game of True American then we fucked on the floor for a couple hours Happy 20th to me
Who died my cat blue again?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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