proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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