FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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