That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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