things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
I smell like Dick and happiness
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