Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
