Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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