Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
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