Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
