Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
