She told me she got a 15 on her A.C.T.. that's when I knew it was a done deal.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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