I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
