Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
