the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
