but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I understand Curling. That high.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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